October Revisited

October—and the feelings it brings

I get off an emotional roller coaster when it leaves

I’ve always disliked October because of Halloween

And the eerie spookiness it splatters on the scene

It does however, have a redeeming quality—it’s my birth month; but that’s over in the first week.

Another redeeming quality—it brought us MaKayla, our miracle baby, who has been with us ten years now. Thank God for giving her a second chance with the heart transplant. 

Besides Halloween October now has two more dents—there were two exits I’ve come to resent. My mom and dad both left me in this month. The emotional memories started like a feather resting in the wind then became a runaway train bursting through a fog; reminding me what I wrote last year in my blog. I wrote of the entrances and exits that October brought. MaKayla and I being the entrances and my mom and dad being the exits.

I’ve had a year now to contemplate how I feel—rather than focus on the exits I am now looking at it all as entrances. My parents didn’t just exit this world they made their entrance into a better world—in October they entered heaven. My dad in 2001...my mom in 2016; and I'm learning what letting go really means.

🦋

Bringing Back What Was Never Lost

Music is, always has been, and always will be a communicator to the spirit, mind, body, and soul.

Listening to the song I Never Lost My Praise brought a starling reality that the chorus lyrics didn’t always ring true for me. Actually, in my darkest hour when I was drowning in a raging sea, they were the exact opposite. Those lyrics said:

                I never lost my hope

                I never lost my joy

                I never lost my faith

                But most of all…I never lost my praise

Realizing I once felt the opposite of that was very sobering. Fortunately, the opposite no longer rings true…my praise is on! As I lifted my hands in praise, I reached out and inadvertently touched the wall. A wall that was solid as a rock; if I fell against it that wall won’t let me fall. Symbolically thinking there is another wall that won’t let me fall…that wall is Jesus—always there…

                There when I’ve lost my hope

                There when I’ve lost my joy

                There when I’ve lost my faith

                And most of all…there when I’ve lost my praise

In my dark moments of lost there was one thing I never lost—His grace.  Grace that allowed me to stand tall; grace that wouldn’t let me fall; grace that feels like a solid wall; His grace—that never lets you lose.

The next song on my playlist was I’ll Say Yes, this one reminded me of who Jesus is. I lifted my hands in praise and once again touched the wall…in my heart’s eye I felt and saw His love. I felt…

                A wall of hope

                A wall of joy

                A wall of faith

                A wall of grace that brought back my praise 

In all actuality I never lost anything, I was so deep into my despair I didn’t remember that those things are always there, whether we feel them or not. When we’re down and out and it’s hard to reach up, reach anyway, He’ll bring back to memory what was never lost.

✝