Reflections…Obsessions

This morning has me inundated with moments of surreal thoughts that brought warm feelings from the past and present. Lately, I’ve been filled with an uncanny sense of confidence. A confidence I enjoyed back in the 1980s walking along the shore of Harbor Island in San Diego. I felt I could take on the world that day. Today’s feeling is not quite as high as then, but somehow more mature; like, not wondering what I’m going to do—but knowing what I’m going to do.

The odd thing is this feeling comes in the wake of another obsession with a musician (I tend to get obsessed with beautiful musicians that have a big voice, a big sound, and/or a big message). This musician I could care less about when she hit the scene back in the 90s (which was typical of my other obsessions, I have always discovered them in the aftermath of their popularity and media hype). During her rise to stardom I didn’t pay attention to her or her music. I was into jazz and gospels with smooth inspiring vocals; but mostly the impeccable, indescribable, undeniable tones of the saxophone. She recently came to my attention through my love of Christmas movies. Her acting chops in the movie could use some work, but there was something about her personality that intrigued me; being a lover of big voices the opening theme song she sang resonated with my musical spirit as well…I wanted to hear more.

 Unlike my late discovery of past obsessions that took me to microfiche in the public library to find out more information I now have the convenience of the internet at my fingertips in my home. I found a plethora of information on her including audio visuals of her hits from her debut and sophomore projects. Her voice was phenomenal! The lyrics did nothing for me, however, she had that vocal quality that could take you into the stratosphere if she was singing gospels (which like most big black voices she grew up singing). Her journey was a typical lesson in temptation and wanting to taste the forbidden fruit.

She grew up in a strict apostolic environment filled with rules and regulations that limited her from experiencing some of the things the average child took advantage of. So naturally when she got her independent wings she gravitated away from the gospels into a sultry, sexy little hot number with closet provocative performances hitting notes that made you want to drift away in the vocal bliss of her beautiful sound (those sultry sexisms are why I didn’t get into her in the 90s). Now that she has sneaked into my musical aura, I sit listening to her wishing that voice was praising God and I could enjoy her on a different level.

Her story and deviation from her gospel roots is a sad one. It’s a lesson to parents on how you can push your kids into the very thing you are trying to protect them from. Now here I sit 20 years later listening to a dynamic vocalist from an apostolic home wondering how so much sensual sexuality could come from a preacher’s kid that was not allowed to wear pants or listen to secular music. The answer could lead me back to the lesson of the forbidden fruit—but I won’t go there (right now). In the meantime, I’m stuck obsessed with the vocals of a 90s hitmaker who now stars in a reality tv show with her family and reinventing herself musically to stay relevant. If only she could see that maybe returning to her gospel roots could take her to a new level and her vocals will soar to higher heights; and the struggles she went through after she reached the top of the seculars charts would make a whole new world of difference in how she can impact the world as she ages into who God designed her to be when He formed her in her mother’s womb and gave her those fantastic pipes; pipes that could cause a bombardment of heavenly ecstasy. If only her eyes were open to His call—Toni Braxton, sing for ME!

She has already impacted how I walk through my day. Don’t get me wrong, Jesus is the source of my strength and the guiding force in my life. In dark times He uses my love for music to speak to me and bring me out of my funk. When you are in those dark moments you don’t always hear His voice—all you hear is your pain (I love how He doesn’t limit His resources). He uses whatever mechanism that will get your attention, He once used my growing love for Match 3 games on my phone and tablet to speak to me. This time is was a secular artist with a Christian background that was forbidden secular music in her formative years.

Toni dreamed of seeing herself as a performer and it happened; her persona exuded confidence, she knew what she wanted and went after it...nothing stood in her way. This confidence I feel will lead me to bringing my dream of becoming a writer into fruition. I have always loved words; putting them together on the printed page is the ultimate. Toni saw herself performing on stage; I saw myself at a book signing sharing my literary contribution with the world. Unlike Toni, I lacked the confidence it took to believe it would happen. In my good fortune when God has a plan for us, He never gives up, thanks to a Christmas gift from a caring cousin I now proclaim— “I am a writer!” Staring into my future I see my name on the cover of a bestseller…with God all things are possible, in His time.

As I reflect now on my past and present obsessions, I thank God that He uses creative ways to reach me.

Thank you Father…

Look for my book! Right now it's in my head making it's way to the printed page.