October Revisited

October—and the feelings it brings

I get off an emotional roller coaster when it leaves

I’ve always disliked October because of Halloween

And the eerie spookiness it splatters on the scene

It does however, have a redeeming quality—it’s my birth month; but that’s over in the first week.

Another redeeming quality—it brought us MaKayla, our miracle baby, who has been with us ten years now. Thank God for giving her a second chance with the heart transplant. 

Besides Halloween October now has two more dents—there were two exits I’ve come to resent. My mom and dad both left me in this month. The emotional memories started like a feather resting in the wind then became a runaway train bursting through a fog; reminding me what I wrote last year in my blog. I wrote of the entrances and exits that October brought. MaKayla and I being the entrances and my mom and dad being the exits.

I’ve had a year now to contemplate how I feel—rather than focus on the exits I am now looking at it all as entrances. My parents didn’t just exit this world they made their entrance into a better world—in October they entered heaven. My dad in 2001...my mom in 2016; and I'm learning what letting go really means.

🦋

Bringing Back What Was Never Lost

Music is, always has been, and always will be a communicator to the spirit, mind, body, and soul.

Listening to the song I Never Lost My Praise brought a starling reality that the chorus lyrics didn’t always ring true for me. Actually, in my darkest hour when I was drowning in a raging sea, they were the exact opposite. Those lyrics said:

                I never lost my hope

                I never lost my joy

                I never lost my faith

                But most of all…I never lost my praise

Realizing I once felt the opposite of that was very sobering. Fortunately, the opposite no longer rings true…my praise is on! As I lifted my hands in praise, I reached out and inadvertently touched the wall. A wall that was solid as a rock; if I fell against it that wall won’t let me fall. Symbolically thinking there is another wall that won’t let me fall…that wall is Jesus—always there…

                There when I’ve lost my hope

                There when I’ve lost my joy

                There when I’ve lost my faith

                And most of all…there when I’ve lost my praise

In my dark moments of lost there was one thing I never lost—His grace.  Grace that allowed me to stand tall; grace that wouldn’t let me fall; grace that feels like a solid wall; His grace—that never lets you lose.

The next song on my playlist was I’ll Say Yes, this one reminded me of who Jesus is. I lifted my hands in praise and once again touched the wall…in my heart’s eye I felt and saw His love. I felt…

                A wall of hope

                A wall of joy

                A wall of faith

                A wall of grace that brought back my praise 

In all actuality I never lost anything, I was so deep into my despair I didn’t remember that those things are always there, whether we feel them or not. When we’re down and out and it’s hard to reach up, reach anyway, He’ll bring back to memory what was never lost.

✝

Simple and Plain

My battery is running on dead…

With ten thousand thoughts jumbled in my head

Lord, I need You to make things simple and plain

Before this crazy world drives me insane

I’m constantly wondering what should I do

Forgetting the outcome is left up to you

I need my thoughts to stay plain and simple

Remembering my body is your Holy temple

Down in the valley or drowning at sea

You’ll always be my King of Glory

Wherever I am that’s where You reign

Your peace and love is mine to gain...

Resting in a pasture of green

Increasing my faith in the things unseen

Into my soul Your presence does seep

Where that plain and simple runs very deep

No more jumbled thoughts swirling in my brain

You’ve already made it simple and plain

When you’re in His Holy temple

It’s more than plain and simple

This is the place for me to come clean

Allowing the Holy Spirit to paint a different scene

On the canvas of my heart

He gave me a brand-new start

The power of His presence is so strong and so glorious

You feel your life is full and victorious

He leaves His seal of radiance shining on your face

Showing you have been in a Holy Place

The Third Verse

  I learned a little something about our history

And the poem written by Francis Scott Key

In a battle that was intensely heated

He was overjoyed that the British were defeated

He penned “land of the free, home of the brave”

Feeling elated when he saw the flag making a gallant wave 

The third verse relishing that they couldn’t save 

The flight of the slave from the sorrow of the grave

What was the reason behind the third verse written by Francis Scott Key

That shaped our lives and tarnished our history

Into our past I thought I would delve

And found a hidden reason behind the War of 1812

Maritime slave Impressment from the British made the U.S. very skittish

Land of the free and home of the brave wanted to keep the black man his forever slave

With reserve and false nobility the British sought to set the U.S. slave free

Without jeopardizing what they had in the West Indies

When he looked out and saw the British defeat

He wrote the third verse making his jubilant feelings complete

Plantations and slavery would continue to define southern life

Confining the black man in bondage and strife

Justice written back then didn’t include us

Now we look at the flag and raise a gallant fuss

Demanding the freedom they wouldn’t give

So life for us would be worthy to live

Hatred and outrage can rise pretty quick

We see this with Nike and Colin Kaepernick

It’s sad when a race is looked at with disdain

Because their ancestors didn’t stay bound in a chain

While the Star-Spangled Banner is sung, and the flag still waves 

What does it mean for the descendants of the slaves

Some don’t want us to speak out it will make things worst

We ask—what can they glean from Francis Scott Key’s third verse

Learning our history can make a weak man bitter and hard

We must remember our deliverance lies in the wisdom and knowledge of God

When others make life unbearable to live our real Master and Savior taught us to forgive

In Him we find our peace in hopes our struggle will someday cease

Confusing Divisions

In recent events I catch myself reliving the confused mind of a child…

Rehashing memories I haven’t had in quite long while

I saw the division but didn’t understand why
The things we couldn’t do could make a grown man cry

Be careful how when and where you walk down the street
In the building and on the bus take the back seat

To quench your thirst be careful where you drink
To clean your hands don’t use the wrong sink

When there’s an ache in your back and your feet are sore
You can visit the doctor but go in the back door

That ol’ Jim Crow could deliver quite a blow
Causing more pain than some will ever know

So many more divisions left to be told
Like getting your food from a little square hole

These divisions were confusing in the mind of a child
They were far from humble meek and mild

How could these divisions equal justice for all
When they stripped a man of his pride and were designed to make him crawl

They got upset when a player took a knee
Didn’t try to understand his somber reality

From blind ignorance they will never see
These confusing divisions were not how God intended things to be

Don’t get us wrong in our quest to be heard
Symbolic gestures are sometimes stronger than words

It's not that we disrespect our country and the flag
We just don’t want to treated like a dirty old rag

Stop the brutality the divisions and the strife
So we can work together for a divine peaceful life

"Together we stand-divided we fall"
How can we make this a nation where there’s really justice for all...

Stop the brutality the divisions and the strife

So we can live together in a divine peaceful life

This is why God made His pick
When He chose the courage of Colin Kaepernick

...and he's not alone

(Photo courtesy of The Washington Post)

A Pathway to Intimacy

I have traded the tranquil sounds of the St. John’s River for the crashing waves of the Pacific Ocean. My time in Jacksonville, FL was well spent as I travelled a pathway back into intimacy with God. I spent Thanksgiving there not really wanting to celebrate the holidays in the traditional sense, but desiring to spend time in His presence being thankful for where He is leading me in this journey.

I am now in San Diego, CA where I spent the holidays and will reside here for a long minute. Coming here hasn’t been what I expected…I knew that coming in; but then nothing on this journey has gone according to the expected. God is doing a new thing and when He is doing a new thing you sometimes feel like your life is not your own, and in a sense—it isn’t. As the psalmist sang, “my life is not my own, to you I belong” (you know the rest). I am relearning the old familiar with a new perspective.

As a longtime single I relished in my long moments of uninterrupted solitude. Those moments were habitual attitudes I cherished. I am now relearning to share my dwelling space, and that my quiet moments will be shortened with the cares and joys of others in my life. To paraphrase Bishop Dale Bronner— if you don’t break old habits nothing in the new year will change; nothing is new for you until you get a new perspective. While I’m not seeking to change spending time alone in His presence, I am seeking and asking the Father to help me accept the change in how and where I spend that time with Him; and embrace the new pathway to intimacy that is forthcoming with others in my space.

The final destination of my journey is still yet to be determined. To quote Bishop Bronner again, “you are not defined by where you are, you are defined by who you are”. Where I am in the physical sense is becoming irrelevant—the more important consideration is where I am in the spirit. Spiritually I am in a good place. I like knowing whose I am no matter where I am or who I’m with. Wherever my journey takes me, I will always travel the pathway that leads to intimacy with the Father.