A Love Wish-

(Featuring Toni Braxton’s song titles)

lf you dream it—it will come
What am I dreaming and wishing for…

Love—that’s loyal and true

And not just a Fairy Tale romance or a loose Love Affair

I want to Find Me a Man that knows how to love

Make My Heart feel something pure and rare

Not one that’s going to have me on a Roller Coaster, apologizing saying I didn’t mean to Hurt You.

In my unfortunate thoughts I Rewind and reminisce on a past love wanting to ask him Do You Remember When I wanted to know from you How Could An Angel Break My Heart; it was tragic but true. He had me in a state of just Coping in a bad situation. No Way will I be Missin’ such a trifling piece of Deadwood. Because of him I have to wait for a real man to Unbreak My Heart and I Don’t Want To have to wait. Why should I continue being childish wondering Where Did We Go Wrong, vacillating and contemplating Why Should I Care. I want to be a Woman and stop Trippin’ over the one that didn't know how to love; no longer begging him Please…Stay…Why Won’t You Love Me. When will I realize his kind of love is so Yesterday? 

If I Have to Wait, I’ll wait—because as long as I’m Still Breathing, I have a chance for good quality love. The wrong boy took my breath away, but when the right man walks into my life I will effortlessly Breathe Again; and won’t have to sing Another Sad Love Song or wait Seven Whole Days for a call that will never come. When he walks into my life, I’ll hear him declaring softly and gently straight to my heart and soul...You Mean the World to Me. 

Right now, he’s a beautiful faceless silhouette pouring his anonymous presence into my heart. When I finally see him, I know I can confidently say Come On Over Here. In the Late of Night, I’ll look into his eyes by Candlelight, see the joy in his face when I demonstrate how I can love him with my Hands Tied, whispering to him over and over You’re Making Me High; high on a Good Life of love that makes us both feel we're having The Time of Our Lives. He’ll hold me like a Spanish Guitar and I’ll never have to proclaim He Wasn’t Man Enough for Me because he loves me with The Art of Love. He makes my Pulse beat in such rhythmic proportions it feels like a delightful Heart Attack. There's no Sweat when it comes to this man, however, The Heat he brings makes my temperature rise so high I need to Hit the Freeway to cool off blissfully singing to him what a blessing that I Belong to You.

Such gratifying love—so smooth and fluid we Let it Flow with power and grace. I’ll never have to say Love Should Have Brought You Home because he’s always there. I hear him Talking in His Sleep whispering, darling, let me count How Many Ways I love Spending My Time With You. We joyfully let each other know There’s No Me Without You. My Best Friend and everyone else will know I Love Me Some Him. I won't be Sorry when I say to him I Give U My Heart because his heart will forever embrace My Heart. I will sincerely cherish The Little Things he does as Long As I Live. 

~Waking up—I Wish for a true love just like that~

Not Alone

I’m sitting here by myself

Not feeling alone

I’m sitting here by myself

Feeling full and complete

Sitting here by myself…I reminisce

Of the many moments in my time spent alone

Basking in quiet moments of solitude

Sometimes by choice—sometimes not

Sometimes feeling alone—sometimes not

In those quiet times my thoughts run random

While pondering on things specific

In those quiet moments I think of lessons learned

I think of things I wish I had done

I look forward to things that are yet to come

In those quiet moments alone…

I wish sometimes I wasn’t alone

All the while enjoying this quiet place

Soaking in the presence that fills my space

That presence is where I want to stay

It gets me through a lonely day

I look up and receive His joy

His occupation I want to employ

I spread my arms and let Him in

Receiving grace and mercy that’s flows within

He’s with me in my quiet space, therefore…

I’m sitting here by myself

Not feeling alone

I’m sitting here by myself

Feeling full and complete

Psalm of Peace

Whenever I read the 23rd Psalm

It does my heart more good than harm

I am on a path surrounded by pastures of green

Walking beside still waters flowing in a stream

There’s something behind me of which I have no fear

It’s goodness and mercy

I draw them near

When I feel I am not able

Before me my God prepares a table

A table that supplies all I need

From His daily bread my soul does feed

I bask in His courage everyday

He keeps my enemies faraway

In His house I will forever dwell

Living in comfort knowing all is well

I rely heavily on this psalm of peace

Knowing my struggles will some day cease

Who Am I

In the autumn of my existence

I’m a golden leaf hanging from a brown tree

Surviving in a sea of red

With clouds of blue swirling above my head

Rowing on the waves of life

Pushing forward going backwards

Trying to find the right stride

That propels me to push back and move forward

In my prime I’m looking up

Reaching for apples of gold from a basket of silver

Resting on the one who shaped the mountains and stirs the wind

Embracing  a solace that lies within 

Running this race with a blinding speed of vision

Vision that sees and knows all that needs to be seen and known—in its own time

Who am I

I am me

Not trying to be who you think I should be

But being the one I was created to be—in my own way

In my own time

Who am I

I am who I am

In Front of You

You look but you don’t see

You listen but you don’t hear

You seek and you don’t find

To see you must open your eyes

To hear you must open your ears

To find you must search diligently

Open your eyes and I will be seen

Listen with your heart and I will heard

Seek with your heart and soul I will be found

I’m right in front of you

Inside My Head

I am always in my head

It’s hard for me to relate

People can’t see what’s going on inside of me

Sitting alone in my room doing nothing

While inside of my head I’m doing something

It’s a quiet place that makes a lot of noise

Noise that only I can hear

A place for me to escape

Where thoughts come and thoughts go

Trying hard to keep life on an even flow

Seeing things from a heart point of view

Giving me clarity on what I should do

What’s up, what’s down

What makes my world go round

Is it wrong to live inside my head…

Reminiscing on things once said

Flushing out the negative

Inviting in the positive

Being true to myself

Finding out who I am

What I want to be

Who I have become…

Inside my head things aren’t always clear

I look up and draw His spirit near
Then I began to see His power working inside my head

Imparting thoughts that will one day be printed and widely read

Reflections…Obsessions

This morning has me inundated with moments of surreal thoughts that brought warm feelings from the past and present. Lately, I’ve been filled with an uncanny sense of confidence. A confidence I enjoyed back in the 1980s walking along the shore of Harbor Island in San Diego. I felt I could take on the world that day. Today’s feeling is not quite as high as then, but somehow more mature; like, not wondering what I’m going to do—but knowing what I’m going to do.

The odd thing is this feeling comes in the wake of another obsession with a musician (I tend to get obsessed with beautiful musicians that have a big voice, a big sound, and/or a big message). This musician I could care less about when she hit the scene back in the 90s (which was typical of my other obsessions, I have always discovered them in the aftermath of their popularity and media hype). During her rise to stardom I didn’t pay attention to her or her music. I was into jazz and gospels with smooth inspiring vocals; but mostly the impeccable, indescribable, undeniable tones of the saxophone. She recently came to my attention through my love of Christmas movies. Her acting chops in the movie could use some work, but there was something about her personality that intrigued me; being a lover of big voices the opening theme song she sang resonated with my musical spirit as well…I wanted to hear more.

 Unlike my late discovery of past obsessions that took me to microfiche in the public library to find out more information I now have the convenience of the internet at my fingertips in my home. I found a plethora of information on her including audio visuals of her hits from her debut and sophomore projects. Her voice was phenomenal! The lyrics did nothing for me, however, she had that vocal quality that could take you into the stratosphere if she was singing gospels (which like most big black voices she grew up singing). Her journey was a typical lesson in temptation and wanting to taste the forbidden fruit.

She grew up in a strict apostolic environment filled with rules and regulations that limited her from experiencing some of the things the average child took advantage of. So naturally when she got her independent wings she gravitated away from the gospels into a sultry, sexy little hot number with closet provocative performances hitting notes that made you want to drift away in the vocal bliss of her beautiful sound (those sultry sexisms are why I didn’t get into her in the 90s). Now that she has sneaked into my musical aura, I sit listening to her wishing that voice was praising God and I could enjoy her on a different level.

Her story and deviation from her gospel roots is a sad one. It’s a lesson to parents on how you can push your kids into the very thing you are trying to protect them from. Now here I sit 20 years later listening to a dynamic vocalist from an apostolic home wondering how so much sensual sexuality could come from a preacher’s kid that was not allowed to wear pants or listen to secular music. The answer could lead me back to the lesson of the forbidden fruit—but I won’t go there (right now). In the meantime, I’m stuck obsessed with the vocals of a 90s hitmaker who now stars in a reality tv show with her family and reinventing herself musically to stay relevant. If only she could see that maybe returning to her gospel roots could take her to a new level and her vocals will soar to higher heights; and the struggles she went through after she reached the top of the seculars charts would make a whole new world of difference in how she can impact the world as she ages into who God designed her to be when He formed her in her mother’s womb and gave her those fantastic pipes; pipes that could cause a bombardment of heavenly ecstasy. If only her eyes were open to His call—Toni Braxton, sing for ME!

She has already impacted how I walk through my day. Don’t get me wrong, Jesus is the source of my strength and the guiding force in my life. In dark times He uses my love for music to speak to me and bring me out of my funk. When you are in those dark moments you don’t always hear His voice—all you hear is your pain (I love how He doesn’t limit His resources). He uses whatever mechanism that will get your attention, He once used my growing love for Match 3 games on my phone and tablet to speak to me. This time is was a secular artist with a Christian background that was forbidden secular music in her formative years.

Toni dreamed of seeing herself as a performer and it happened; her persona exuded confidence, she knew what she wanted and went after it...nothing stood in her way. This confidence I feel will lead me to bringing my dream of becoming a writer into fruition. I have always loved words; putting them together on the printed page is the ultimate. Toni saw herself performing on stage; I saw myself at a book signing sharing my literary contribution with the world. Unlike Toni, I lacked the confidence it took to believe it would happen. In my good fortune when God has a plan for us, He never gives up, thanks to a Christmas gift from a caring cousin I now proclaim— “I am a writer!” Staring into my future I see my name on the cover of a bestseller…with God all things are possible, in His time.

As I reflect now on my past and present obsessions, I thank God that He uses creative ways to reach me.

Thank you Father…

Look for my book! Right now it's in my head making it's way to the printed page.

Motherless Child

Listening to the lyrics "sometimes I feel like a motherless chile" evokes memories I haven’t had in a long while. 

I no longer feel like a motherless child...I am a motherless child. 

In emotional heated moments I used to wish my mother was gone, I never knew that after her death I would feel so alone...

And yet...those are past feelings 

I’ve come to regret 

I don’t like being a motherless child. I can’t believe I used to wish that was true, now that it is my heart is broken in two. 

If you are at odds with your mother... make amends

Because one day her life is going to end; and once she’s gone you never get over feeling alone...

October Revisited

October—and the feelings it brings

I get off an emotional roller coaster when it leaves

I’ve always disliked October because of Halloween

And the eerie spookiness it splatters on the scene

It does however, have a redeeming quality—it’s my birth month; but that’s over in the first week.

Another redeeming quality—it brought us MaKayla, our miracle baby, who has been with us ten years now. Thank God for giving her a second chance with the heart transplant. 

Besides Halloween October now has two more dents—there were two exits I’ve come to resent. My mom and dad both left me in this month. The emotional memories started like a feather resting in the wind then became a runaway train bursting through a fog; reminding me what I wrote last year in my blog. I wrote of the entrances and exits that October brought. MaKayla and I being the entrances and my mom and dad being the exits.

I’ve had a year now to contemplate how I feel—rather than focus on the exits I am now looking at it all as entrances. My parents didn’t just exit this world they made their entrance into a better world—in October they entered heaven. My dad in 2001...my mom in 2016; and I'm learning what letting go really means.

🦋

Bringing Back What Was Never Lost

Music is, always has been, and always will be a communicator to the spirit, mind, body, and soul.

Listening to the song I Never Lost My Praise brought a starling reality that the chorus lyrics didn’t always ring true for me. Actually, in my darkest hour when I was drowning in a raging sea, they were the exact opposite. Those lyrics said:

                I never lost my hope

                I never lost my joy

                I never lost my faith

                But most of all…I never lost my praise

Realizing I once felt the opposite of that was very sobering. Fortunately, the opposite no longer rings true…my praise is on! As I lifted my hands in praise, I reached out and inadvertently touched the wall. A wall that was solid as a rock; if I fell against it that wall won’t let me fall. Symbolically thinking there is another wall that won’t let me fall…that wall is Jesus—always there…

                There when I’ve lost my hope

                There when I’ve lost my joy

                There when I’ve lost my faith

                And most of all…there when I’ve lost my praise

In my dark moments of lost there was one thing I never lost—His grace.  Grace that allowed me to stand tall; grace that wouldn’t let me fall; grace that feels like a solid wall; His grace—that never lets you lose.

The next song on my playlist was I’ll Say Yes, this one reminded me of who Jesus is. I lifted my hands in praise and once again touched the wall…in my heart’s eye I felt and saw His love. I felt…

                A wall of hope

                A wall of joy

                A wall of faith

                A wall of grace that brought back my praise 

In all actuality I never lost anything, I was so deep into my despair I didn’t remember that those things are always there, whether we feel them or not. When we’re down and out and it’s hard to reach up, reach anyway, He’ll bring back to memory what was never lost.

✝